One time when I was 14, I inadvertently saved a West African village from the plague. Funny story.

Last April I collected enough cans in New York City to bring Uzbekistan out of their 43 year recession.

This past march I was recruited by the foreign ministry of Istanbul to solve their skyrocketing rodent infestation problem, which I single handedly accomplishe ...d in 25minutes…six of which were because I wanted to wash my hands.

I once ate a lollipop made of puppies, and was then systematically gang-beaten with a baseball bat made of candy canes and rainbows.

Sometimes I like to walk in circles for 40minutes and then proceed to write a symphony in Yiddish…but only on the weekends.

Pamela Andersen and I dated for 4 weeks, then I cheated on her for Natalie Portman…God she’s hott.

I’m known in many international deli-meat slicing circles.

I’ve been known to fight to the death, I lost only once.