The clip dean lewis from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long, Lewis Black
It's gonna be fun.
You know, a lot of people say
that college is the time when young men and women
expand the way that they look at their world,
when they open their minds to new ideas and experiences
and when they begin that long journey
from the innocence of youth
to the responsibilities of adulthood.
Now isn't that a load of horseshit?
Could you explain that to us a little more?
Uh, Dean Lewis, why don't you tell them
a little bit about the philosophy here at South Harmon?
Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids,
in order to attract them to going to school,
in the belief that they're gonna have a better life.
And we all know that all we're doing
is breeding a whole new generation
of buyers and sellers.
Buyers and sellers!
Pimps and whores. Pimps and whores!
And indoctrinating them into a life-long hell of debt and indecision.
I... I just don't understand.
Do I have to spoon-feed it to you?
Look, there's only one reason
that kids want to go to school.
To get a good job.
To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
I couldn't agree more.
It is so refreshing to have somebody
approach education so rationally.
The clip Faking IDs from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long, Columbus Short
Everyone, have your money ready. We only have so much time.
Okay, say, "Cheers!" Cheers.
Say, "Beer!" Beer!
Glen, you got to take that shirt off, pal.
Hands, you wanna field this one?
Uh, dude, you're getting a fake ID
and you're wearing a shirt that says you're in high school.
Okay, whatever. I'll fix it later.
Just do what you were doing.
Give me some nice cat things.
Oh, hey, Schrader.
What the hell is going on here?
Five percent goes to your favorite charity.
Uh, I forgot to tell you, I borrowed your keys.
You borrowed my keys? Come on.
Well, I needed them. Ow.
We're providing a vital service to America's youth here.
Could we get the next in line, please? No, we're not. Stay there!
We're contributing to the delinquency of minors, B.
Do you know what will happen to me if I get caught?
Every day after eighth period,
Vice Principal Matthews comes in here.
He picks up the women's fitness magazine
and he snaps one off!
Are you serious? Yes.
That is a problem.
Uh, okay, well, we still have the rest of eighth period, right?
So, we'll just pack everybody up and get out of here.
Okay, let's go!
Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!
Okay, good, good.
Ah, wonderful! Vice Principal Matthews!
So glad you could join us!
What the hell is this?
It's Glee Club practice, sir.
We're just gettin' ready for Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.
We don't have a Glee Club.
Not yet, we don't, sir.
But as the graduating class, we wanted to leave behind
a legacy that inspires future students
to take initiative rather than spend their time,
I don't know, privately defacing women's fitness magazines.
I mean, I went to read an article
about no carbs and higher reps the other day
and the pages were... You are a rotten egg.
...as if by some natural adhesive. That'll be enough.
I need to cut the pounds
and I can't open the... Stop it!
Whatever does it for... Stop it!
That's all I'm gonna say.
Thank God you're graduating.
I'm the fourth-generation Schrader... Sorry.
The clip Introduction from Accepted (2006) with Jonah Hill, Justin Long
to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.
I can't do anything to screw that up.
You know, like, I don't know, getting busted for identity fraud.
Look at you. Would you stop, man? Relax.
We're all goin' to college, okay?
This is said by the guy who's been rejected... Hey, B.
...by seven schools.
Hey, I'm creating dramatic tension.
I got a good feeling about number eight! Ugh.
I got in! I got in! I got into Princeton!
Hey, I think that guy got into Princeton.
Oh, what makes you say that?
I don't know.
Hey, how are you, Monica? Hey, how are you?
Good. Do you know Schrader?
No, I don't think so. Oh! Yes! We...
I actually... We had a class.
My shit was all crazy. I sat way behind you.
Yeah. Sorry. I don't remember you, either.
Sorry. It's all right.
Um, anyway, I really wanted to ask you something.
Um, you know, I know it's really late,
but, um, last minute and everything,
but prom is coming up soon, you know? It's okay. Yes.
And I'm actually having a party at my house beforehand.
Awesome! And I was wondering
if you'd like to, um... If you could, um...
I'd love to. ... mow our lawn.
Mow your lawn? Yeah.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm really embarrassed, but, you know,
our mower's broken and my mom was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"
I... Yeah. Tell your mother I would love to mow the lawn. Really?
Thank you so much. Yeah, sure.
Thank you. Hey, babe! Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!
Sorry, I got to go.
But thank you, again. Yeah, s-sure.
You're really helping us out. Oh, great to see you.
And, hey, it was nice to meet, um, see you. Talk to you.
Yes, yes. It was... It was so nice catching up with you.
Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye. B
Hey, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, baby.
Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!
Hoyt Ambrose. What's that guy got that I don't have?
I just need to get a car.
And classic good looks.
The clip Not Accepted from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long, Mark Derwin
"I regret... "
I can't believe I didn't get into State!
I wasn't even aiming high with that one.
That was my fallback!
It was my safety school, my fail-safe!
Maybe you're just too average.
Hey, time out.
Okay. Okay. Excuse me, Lizzie.
R-Remember who you're talkin' to here.
I didn't have to go to gym class for a whole year
'cause I claimed to be allergic to sweat.
Or what about the time I got the note from my doctor saying I was nocturnal
and I was allowed to study in my dreams?
I got the school bully, Frank Daley, kicked out for two years
because he was sexually harassing me
by pushing me up against the locker and I said I felt something.
I mean, come on. That was pure genius.
Maybe if you didn't write an essay called "I Don't Have a Clue. "
Well, it's true. You know?
I don't have a clue what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.
O ye of little faith.
They're not gonna kill me. Uh-huh.
I just have to spin it
and put it in terms they can understand.
I don't understand.
I don't understand, either.
Okay, I figure it like this.
The average cost of college is, what, $20,000 a year?
Now, according to these estimates that I got off the Web...
You can pass those around.
Someone with no education beyond high school
can expect to make about $20,000 a year in the current job market.
Now, that being said, over the next four years,
you could either spend $80,000
or I could make $80,000.
Are you saying you don't want to go to college?
No. I'm saying that it is fiscally irresponsible
for me to go to college. You know?
Are you huffing? Oh, God. No.
Are you high? You're huffing grass?
No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm not stoned. I'm completely fine.
In fact, I'm more clear and level-headed than I've ever been.
Okay, cut the crap, Bartleby.
The clip Not Accepted Part 2 from Accepted (2006) with Mark Derwin, Justin Long
Society has rules.
And the first rule is you go to college. Mmm-hmm.
You want to have a happy and successful life? You go to college.
If you want to be somebody, you go to college.
If you want to fit in, you go to college.
Well, you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college.
What do you mean?
I didn't get accepted anywhere.
I knew he should've started preparing for college in junior high
like his sister.
Now, she's got a shot. I've got a shot.
She's got a shot. Listen, guys.
There are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college.
Albert Einstein, you know.
Pocahontas never went to college.
Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.
They had a great run.
Both Lewis and Clark.
Suzanne Somers. Bono.
I need to go check on the cobbler.
"Check the cobbler. " Glug, glug, glug.
You know, I really don't care what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.
You're goin' to college.
I told you so.
You were adopted.
The clip Graduation Party from Accepted (2006) with Jonah Hill, Justin Long
I would like to propose a toast to our graduates.
To the Class of 2006,
may the next four years of college
be the best years of your life.
Hear, hear. Mom.
Hey. Hey, man, what's up?
What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?
Dude, I swear, if one more person tells me
how excited they are to go to college, I'm gonna lose it.
Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.
That's insane. You're one of the best receivers in the state.
Uh, the best. And, uh, no knee, no football, man.
That sucks. What are you gonna do now?
I have no idea.
That makes two of us, pal.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Hey, Rory. What's goin' on? Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.
Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.
I did... I didn't, I didn't get into Yale.
I didn't... I didn't get into Yale.
What? I can't believe that!
Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale.
Too many rich kids with mediocre grades
and well-connected parents this year, I guess.
No room for Rory, who's been working
since first grade to get into Yale.
Rory, who only applied to Yale and nowhere else.
I had it all planned!
It was perfect, B! Perfect!
And now it's nothing! Nada!
It's a goose egg!
God, Rory! Rory!
She's handling that really well.
College is for pussies!
All right. I got to get out of here, pal.
Hang in there. All right, man. You, too.
Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr. Schrader. I was actually just...
Did you have any cake?
No, you know, I'm not much of a cake guy.
Oh, it is a hell of a cake.
It is the same cake we got for Scotty and Seth when they got into Harmon.
Oh, ah, everything comes full circle.
Jay! How are ya, bud? Oh, I really don't...
Hey, Stu. Hey.
I can't imagine your pride, knowing your youngest
is headed off to a good college. Must take a load off.
Yeah, well, not to mention
the load it takes off my bank account.
Nothin' like gettin' a load off!
What about you, Bartleby?
That's a good question, Mr. Harkin.
What's with the questions, Mr. Trebek?
The clip Graduation Party Part 2 from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long
Where you goin'?
Um, I... I., well...
I didn't really, uh...
Bartleby screwed around and now he's not goin' to college.
He's thrown his life away.
Yeah, that's... that's what I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.
The clip Fake Acceptance Letter from Accepted (2006) with Jonah Hill, Justin Long
Wait. South Harmon Institute of Technology?
Yeah. B, you realize that makes it S.H.I.T., right?
S.H.I.T.? I was wingin' it. Whatever.
Just finish building the website, please.
This is the act of a desperate, wildly unrealistic person.
Yo, B, you have to hook me up with one of these acceptance letters, bro.
Are you kidding me? No way. Why not?
Oh, come on. The only way this is gonna work is if we keep it quiet.
And even then, it's still a long shot.
Dude, I don't care. I have to do somethin'.
The minute I lost my scholarship,
my pop started talkin' about me getting my own bus route.
Help me. Please? Mmm.
You know something?
For the safety of the public, I can't let you drive a bus.
Sweet. But listen to me.
This is just a temporary stopgap measure, okay?
Nothing more. Gotcha.
Bravo, guys. Great. Both of you guys.
Let's start this fake college. And then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.
Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?
That's how these things start.
You know something, Schrader,
you got into a great college.
And your future's lookin' really good,
and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause you're my best friend and I love you.
I'm talking about me coming to you, asking for your help.
Just finish the damn website.
What do you say?
There he is! Fine.
Get off me, you idiot.
But we need some sort of, like, mission statement or something.
Your dad's gonna want to see that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.
The clip Fake Acceptance Letter Part 2 from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long
Hey, kids. Honey!
Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.
South Harmon Institute of Technology? What's that?
Mmm? What's that?
One of the most respected schools in the area, that's what that is.
Well, what's it say?
I gotta open it first.
Come on, hurry.
Oh. I'm nervous.
"congratulations, you've been accepted!"
I got in!
Aw, thank God. Thank God. I got in!
Hey-o! Oh! God!
Honey. I'm okay.
Hey, this is great!
It's so exciting!
What the hell is South Harmon Institute of Technology? Yeah.
Oh, it's one of Harmon College's sister schools.
I've never heard of it.
Well, because it's the baby sister.
It's the most discreet and unharmed of the sister schools.
You got any literature on this place?
Yeah, there's a website, I'll show you the link.
You did it. You're a college boy.
So you guys want to eat? Yeah.
The clip A New Problem from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long, Jonah Hill
So you guys want to eat? Yeah.
Hey! I hate my life.
I'm a huge tool.
Have fun being hot.
Hey, Dad, what's up?
I took a look at that website.
It looks unreal.
Yeah, it looks pretty unbelievable, huh?
It seems like a solid place.
Here you go.
First semester's tuition. Paid in full.
Wow, thank you, Dad.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Your mother and I can't wait to drop you off.
What we need to do is lease a place near Harmon
so we can fool our parents. Yeah.
Hey, Schrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Oh, yeah, I do, actually.
I carry around a list with me at all times
of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.
Dude, I started you guys a bank account already.
What do you want me to be, your realtor?
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
Hey, what's up, Glen?
Hey. Hey, Glen,
when did you start working at the Kwik 'N Stop?
Since I got boned, hard, by every college I applied to.
Why, what happened?
Some political crap.
I got a zero on my SATs.
You know you get 600 points
just for signing your name, right?
All right, let's get serious, man.
Now, where we gonna find a place to pass off as a college?
Hey, guys! I know a place.
How'd you know about this place?
The clip Abandoned Hospital from Accepted (2006) with Maria Thayer, Jonah Hill
How'd you know about this place?
I used to do volunteer work here.
This place is awesome.
'Cause now I can finally get hepatitis.
A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hand.
That doesn't make any sense.
It's a saying. What?
A diamond in the rough.
Hope you guys have hobo-stab insurance.
Great. The birthplace of crack.
Hey! Hey, guys, don't go in there.
This is breaking and entering.
Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Who's scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
I told you that in confidence, Hands.
Schrader, you were afraid when your tooth fell out,
because you were terrified of the tooth fairy.
That's actually a legitimate fear.
She was rifling through my shit.
Okay, Fine, whatever, dude, stay here.
Fine. I will.
Okay, guys, seriously,
I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed.
We don't have to renovate the whole place.
We just have to focus on essential areas.
We got the... the main lobby. Hallway.
Dorm rooms. Dorm rooms, exactly.
I think this could really work. Huh? It's awesome!
Can you hold that? Yeah.
Guys, a little can-do attitude, some elbow grease,
maybe a smile from Schrader.
It's like cleaning up your room, you know?
Welcome to the South Harmon Institute of Technology.
Atta baby. The beginning of good things.
Schrader, what the hell was that?
Um, this is embarrassing.
Are you kidding?
It would be really cool
if you guys wouldn't tell people I scream like that.
The clip Harmon Collage's Dean's Plan from Accepted (2006) with Anthony Heald
It takes 10,000 steps to get from here to greatness.
And this right here,
this is step one.
Good luck, Son.
Mister Ambrose, do you know what makes Harmon a great college?
The exclusivity of any university
is judged primarily by the amount of students
Unfortunately, for the last few years,
we have been unable to match the amount of students
that Yale, Princeton, or even Stanford rejects,
primarily because of our physical limitations.
But all that is about to change.
Yale has one, Princeton has one.
And now Harmon College will have
the prestigious entranceway it deserves.
A verdant buffer zone
to keep knowledge in, and ignorance out.
That is a great idea, sir. Yes, it is.
Now, you, Mr. Ambrose, are chairman
of the Student Community Outreach Committee.
I need you to secure all these decrepit properties
in the neighboring community.
So that we can demolish them to make room
for the Van Horne Gateway.
The clip Asylum Into College from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long, Adam Herschman
Ready, set, go.
Whoo! All right.
Uh, whoa, Glen.
Oh, hey, B.
What are you doing here, buddy?
Rory told me about it.
What are you doing? We were gonna keep this place a big secret.
But he didn't have any place to go.
He got fired from the Kwik 'N Stop.
Is that true? Why'd you... Why'd you get fired?
I got fired for making a shrimp slushee.
That's disgusting. See?
Why would you do that, pal?
'Cause I was hungry and thirsty.
This kitchen is bitchin'!
And this'll be the bath...
Close the door. Shit!
It takes 10,000 steps to get from here to greatness.
The clip Looking for a Dean from Accepted (2006) with Justin Long, Mark Derwin
You know what?
This actually looks like the real deal.
Guys, I don't want to be too overly optimistic,
but I think this could work.
It really looks professional. Hello.
Hey, kid, where the hell are you?
Oh, I'm, uh... Listen.
I took another look at that website.
What's all this "be what you want to be" crap?
No, no, Dad, they just... they just have to say stuff like that
just to keep from being sued.
Yeah, well, sounds like a bunch of crap to me.
Glen, go long. Set up a meeting with the dean.
The dean? Jesus. Mother of hell!
Your college does have a dean, doesn't it?
I'm good! Yes, of course the college has a dean.
Dad, you know, he's a busy guy, though, you know,
he can't just, uh, set up a meeting with parents.
Listen. If I'm paying for it, I'm meeting with the dean.
I want to make sure you have the same education I did. A real education.
Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad, Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.
I gotta trim this corner right here. I think I got poisoned.
What's up, B? We got a little problem.
What? Who was that, Bartleby?
We gotta find a dean.
In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want.
You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.
I want the Pump!
I don't got the Pump.
Look, oh, I got the Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.
I want the Pump!
Listen, you insolent little snot,
there are kids right now in Asia who are sewing your stupid shoes together,
so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
This is the worst idea of all time.
Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius.
He'll be fine. Mom!
What did you do?
You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid.
You know what? Maybe he's retarded.
I'm glad my mother's dead.
He's just having a bad day.
Oh, my gosh.
You want me to be the dean of your college?
No, I want you to pretend to be the dean.
It's just for one day.
Uh, perhaps young Sherman didn't share this with you.
I've retired, I'm no longer a shaper of young minds.
Yeah, well, technically, he was fired.
That's not true. I got fed up with the education racket.
So I quit.
I did send in my resignation
in a rather unorthodox fashion.
You sent the dean of the university a bag of dog shit.
The clip Looking for a Dean Part 2 from Accepted (2006) with Lewis Black, Justin Long
It was a metaphor. For what?
For "You're full of shit!" Oh.
That's not a metaphor. That's a metaphor.
Oh, semantics, schmantics.
Three years from now, I'm finished with this crap.
I'm goin' to Papua New Guinea. I'm outta here.
Wh-Where... Where you going?
I'm going off the grid.
No more, uh, franchises, no more Botox,
no more "Eh, oh, let's clone another goat. "
And certainly no more sexual harassment suits.
What's wrong with saying, "Hey! Nice tits. "
When did that go out the window?
Okay, Ben, all I'm asking you
is just shake a couple hands with some parents,
say, "Hi, I'm the dean," whatever.
What if we pay you?
Don't sully my dignity with your cash.
There you are! Did you make another child cry?
It's not my fault the kid's a crybaby! Little dipshit.
You're an asshole! You're an asshole.
You are an asshole. And you're fired.
Perhaps it is time to move on.
But I get to bring my house.
Right or left? Right.
Whose right? Your call.
You're an idiot! You're upset.
Go with what you feel.
You got about 12 feet.
The clip First Day Of College from Accepted (2006) with Maria Thayer, Columbus Short
Okay, smiles, everyone.
First day at college.
What's up with these colors? Shit brown? Really?
Glen picked 'em. Of course he did.
Where'd you find all these people?
Uh, I volunteer at an English-as-a-second-language program.
These are my students. I told them if they wanted to pass,
they'd have to successfully assimilate
into the American college environment.
Whoa! The parents are here!
Okay! We're on, guys!
Okay, people, it's showtime!
No frills around here. Oh, none at all.
None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles, or mahogany, it's the real deal.
The real deal, huh?
This is it, kid. This is it.
The big moment. Take this in. Ah.
It's exciting, it's scary.
It's really scary. Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.
What's going on here?
Okay, we lost one of the campers.
What are you doing? Don't do that. Don't do that.
Take it easy. Okay, here we are. Let's...
What the devil is that? Oh.
That's just a surge of collegiate energy.
It's college for you.
Take a left up here for the dorm room, Dad.
Oh, uh, can you hang on a second?
I just really gotta go to the bathroom a minute, you know.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I just wanna...
No, no, no, no, no!
Uh, it's, that's, it's the men's room.
You can't go in there.
Well, can't you just stand outside...
Diane, can't you wait till we get to the restaurant?
Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed. I'll see you in math class.
You owe me 30 bucks, by the way.
Here we are. You remember Hands. Hey, Mrs. Gaines.
Hey, hi. The fam.
You look great. Well, thank you.
When I first saw it, I was like, I gotta live here?
I can't believe this. But it's a dorm room.
Mr. Gaines. Daryl, how are you, partner?
Oh, thunder grip.
Why are there bars on the window?
Oh, that's so nobody accidentally gets thrown out.
It's fine. It's a good learning environment.
Not a lot of extras. You'll study harder.
Yes. We will, because of the blue and the sparse walls.
I agree with you, sir.
What are these?
That's in case of an earthquake.
Uh, never mind that. Hey, let's go meet the dean.
Huh? The dean.
Come here, honey. Come on.