Shouting News projects where Obama will spend the rest of his campaign funds a la Brewster's Millions. (And be sure to watch the shouting-news-ticker...always hilarious!)
Starring: Matt Oberg
Directed by: Kevin Scott
The clip hit on girls from Brewster's Millions (1985)
I'm a Gypsy. That's why I'm not gonna bullshit you, OK?
I'm not gonna see you next year cos I'm gonna be playing for the big leagues.
I dunno what team, but you'll see me on television...
..and you'll say "I know that guy."
"That's the guy that wanted to date me but, no, I was too stupid."
Jake here. I'm in Hackensack.
Pretty much the same picture. He was out drinkin' till 3.30 in a bar last night,...
..then he picked up a girl, took her back to the hotel.
I figure tonight's agenda looks the same.
He's out celebrating his victory. He was the winning pitcher today.
Right now you're playing for Hackensack,...
..so why are you running around in a Cubs jersey?
A Cubs jersey? What number's that?
It says "35".
That was my number in the Cubs.
They were the only big-league team smart enough to take me on.
Is he a good pitcher? Well, he's enthusiastic.
Kinda like a kid in a candy store.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Cold beer here. Cold beer.
There you go. Sorry I'm late. Allow me.
Thank you very much.
Look, just keep your eye out for Rudy.
He doesn't exist. There is no Rudy.
Yes, sir. I'll break the news to him tomorrow morning.
No, sir. I won't lose sight of him.
Let me tell you something about athletes. After a game, we gotta relax.
We gotta come down, unwind.
My doctor told me. He said "Brewster, man, get a massage. Come down."
The clip hit on girls Part 2 from Brewster's Millions (1985)
We read in a medical journal left in the locker room...
..an article written by this Oriental doctor on massages.
We in the West give a massage like this.
And, see, all the energy coming from my hands is stopped by the fabric.
Apparently we in the West don't know that and we're massaging for nothing.
So his theory, and I dunno, it's just a theory,...
..is if you're nude and you get a massage, that's the best thing for you.
Good for your muscles, nude.
Maybe you'd like to try it with us?
The four of us nude would be great.
That would be fun.
Massaging each other.
I think they're kinda cute.
This one's especially cute.
Either of you guys got a car?
Got a bus.
The team bus.
Bigger than a car?
Oh, much bigger and more fun,...
..because he's a partymeister himself.
Why don't we start in a bus? Let's try the bus.
Let's try the bus, a good place to start the evening off.
The clip bar fight from Brewster's Millions (1985)
You're gonna love this. We got a big-screen TV.
Well, not yet. We got a space for it. I think you're gonna like that.
Hah... Rudy! Hi, Rudy, buddy.
Get in the car before I twist your head off.
I didn't do anything wrong, baby. They tried to pick us up.
Get in the goddamn car!
Hey, I wouldn't do that.
Hey! Butt out, rag arm.
Let's go, guys.
We'll push your face.
Police? This is Torchy's on J Street. Send somebody down, there's gonna be a fight.
The clip Brewster's being rejected from Brewster's Millions (1985) with Richard Pryor, John Candy
(man whistles tune)
Why is it when there's trouble, it's us that gets into it?
There's a bar full of people. We're the only ones in jail.
I don't think it's racial cos I'm in here with you.
Look, I dunno what to say, but I guess this is it.
Charley, we apologise. Now cut the speeches and get us out of here, please.
I can't do it, kid. The front office is washing its hands of you two.
There's no money for bail and no money for your fines.
They gave you both unconditional releases.
Great. Do they know what they're talkin' about? We got one game left!
If we win today, we're in the play-offs.
It's simple. They don't want you guys.
Next year, they're going with the college draft choices. New talent, young kids.
Hey, look at it this way, Brewster. You're lucky.
You got to be a pro ball player for 15 years.
It's a lot more than most people get.
I'll see you.
The clip Brewster's trial from Brewster's Millions (1985)
Brewster and Nolan.
OK! You bozos are up to bat.
In here. Let's go!
Don't worry. I know this kind of stuff.
Don't mess up.
Thank you very much.
Mr Brewster and Mr Nolan, you're charged with assault and battery,...
..and the destruction of private property.
How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Guilty, but with a real good excuse. You're gonna love it.
I plead innocent.
You see, Your Honour,...
..what you have with Mr Brewster and myself...
..is a couple of local heroes, really.
We play for a local team. You might have seen us
the Hackensack Bulls?
Perhaps you know the "Go, you Bulls, go"?
Let's not waste time. I have depositions from over a dozen eyewitnesses.
Your Honour, we went into the bar and we saw this nice lady.
We asked her to sit with us to have a drink.
I didn't know she had a fianc?. Did you?
I didn't know. It wasn't public knowledge.
So you made advances to a woman who was involved with another man?
If you don't make calls, you don't make any sales.
This man does not represent me.
I'd remove that from the court records.
I'm going to set your bail at $3,000.
We don't have $3,000.
Bailiff, will you remove the prisoners. Next case.
Your Honour, wait, please. I'd like to defend myself. The man hit me first.
The clip Brewster's trial Part 2 from Brewster's Millions (1985)
With the permission of the court! My name is JB Donaldo.
I represent parties who wish to remain anonymous...
..and who have instructed me to post bail for the defendants...
..or pay any fines levied in case they plead guilty,...
..which I'm sure they will now do.
Who is he?
It's the scout.
I told you they want me.
They want me. We're going to the big time!
The clip law-firm visit from Brewster's Millions (1985)
(Brewster) So where to, JB?
(JB) New York.
New York? Yee-ha ha!
I knew it! There's no Mets in here.
Wait a minute. There's no Mets in this building.
I never mentioned the Mets. Mr Brewster did. I was just hired to bring him here.
He's not a scout. He's a cop.
Look at him. Look at those cheap cop shoes.
Cop face, cop hat, cop shirt, cop eyes.
Monty, the Mets don't want you. The Hackensack Bulls don't even want you.
Look, I ain't supposed to tell you, but here's who hired me.
Granville & Baxter. As far as I know, they got nothing to do with the Mets.
It's gonna be great.
It's the Yankees.
We've been expecting you.
The arm's OK.
The operation was a success. The arm's 2 years old now.
Follow me, please.
Wait for me.
Mr Brewster's here.
I'm Ed Roundfield.
This is Mr George Granville, Mr Norris Baxter.
The clip law-firm visit Part 2 from Brewster's Millions (1985)
How do you do?
Perhaps you'd better sit down.
What I'm about to tell you may come as quite a shock.
No, sir. I wanna hear this standing up.
Have you ever heard the name Rupert Horn?
Rupert Horn... no. I bet he's someone high up in the Yankee organisation, right?
I'm afraid not. Rupert Horn was your great-uncle.
What's that got to do with baseball?
Rupert Horn quarrelled with his family.
He went out West. They never heard from him again.
They thought he was dead, but he didn't die until last month.
And by then, he was one of the richest men in America.
And he bought a baseball team, right?
No. Oil and real estate.
And you, Mr Brewster, are the sole living heir of your great-uncle, Rupert Horn.
I think it's only fair to tell Mr Brewster about the conditions of the will.
The clip heritage conditions from Brewster's Millions (1985) with Hume Cronyn, Richard Pryor
Brewster, greetings from the grave.
Don't look. so surprised. Didn't you k.now your great-grandfather was a honk.y?
The old man married twice. 0ne wife white, produced me.
0ne wife black., produced your grandmother.
A chequered family, you might say. I've outlived 'em all, except you.
They tell me you're my only living relative and I gotta say, I'm very disappointed.
Look. at ya. What have you made ofyourself?
A failed baseball player.
I believe in being honest, Brewster. No bullshit.
I'm stuck. with you.
But... we're gonna have some fun.
Let me... Let me tell you a little story, Brewster.
When I was seven years old, my daddy caught me smok.ing a cigar.
Lock.ed me in the broom closet for three days...
.. with nothing but a box of cigars and a book. of matches.
No food, Brewster. No water. Just those goddamn cigars.
Wouldn't let me out until I finished every one of 'em. Taught me one helluva lesson.
I'm going to do to you what my daddy did to me.
I'm gonna teach you to hate spending money.
I'm gonna mak.e you so sick. of it that the sight of it'll mak.e you want to throw up.
So here's my proposition.
You have 30 days in which to spend 30 million buck.s.
Ifyou can do it, you get 300 million.
There's gotta be a catch.
0f course there's a catch.
You have to spend the 30 million,...
..but after 30 days you're not allowed to own any assets.
No houses, no cars, no jewellery,...
..nothing but the shirt on your back..
It sounds easy, don't it? Yeah.
The clip heritage conditions Part 2 from Brewster's Millions (1985) with Hume Cronyn, Richard Pryor
You'll find out.
No, no, no, no.
You can hire anybody you want but you gotta get value for their services.
You can donate five per cent to charity and gamble another five per cent away,...
..but you can't give it away.
That includes buyin' the Hope diamond for some bimbo as a birthday present.
0h, I k.now what you're think.ing, Brewster.
You'll buy yourself a dozen Picassos and use them for firewood, right?
Wrong! You must not destroy what is inherently valuable.
That's instant disqualification.
0h, yeah. I almost forgot.
You're not allowed to tell anybody why you have to spend this money.
Why can't I tell my friends?
I don't want anybody helping you out.
Nobody helped me out in that closet with those cigars.
I never had any friends.
Well, Brewster, what do you think.?
You got the balls for it?
I doubt it. That's why I put a special wimp clause in my will.
You can have a million dollars right now and forget the whole thing.
0r you can go for the big one, Brewster,...
..the 300 million.
But ifyou fail...
..you don't get diddly.
The clip Brewster's choice from Brewster's Millions (1985)
This is the million dollars.
Jeez! I never seen that much money in my life.
We've investigated your background, Mr Brewster.
The highest salary you've ever had is $11,000...
..for one season with the Toledo Mud Hens.
You've never even had a credit card in your entire life.
Think of spending a million dollars a day for 30 days...
..with no assets to show for it.
It's quite difficult to spend money...
..without accumulating assets, even if the money is spent foolishly.
Surely no one could blame you for refusing such an eccentric gamble?
That's good advice. Take the million. It's yours!
What happens if I don't take the million and I try for the whole thing and I fail?
Granville & Baxter would administrate the estate in some charitable fashion,...
..for a considerable fee, I'm sure.
What do you think?
I don't benefit either way, Mr Brewster.
I'm a completely neutral observer.
"Bird in the hand." That's what my grandma used to say.
I'm gonna go for the 300 million.
When you appear before us again in 30 days,...
..you must be totally penniless, without assets of any kind,...
..having just the receipt for your expenses and the clothes on your back.
Are you certain you wanna do this?
No, sir, I'm not, but I'm gonna have a lotta fun finding out.
Send Drake up here immediately.
Good luck. You're due back in 30 days.
Gentlemen, shall we say 12 midnight exactly?
We're going to assign a paralegal from our accounting department...
..to keep track of your expenditures.
Does he know about the 300 million?
The clip Brewster's choice Part 2 from Brewster's Millions (1985)
Drake just knows that you've inherited $30 million...
..which must be precisely accounted for.
If you tell Drake the truth, you'll automatically lose the entire inheritance.
I ain't telling Drake shit. My lips are sealed. Lock 'em. Throw away the key.
"Hello, Drake. This is the way I talk. How you doin', Drake?"
Miss Drake. This is Mr Brewster, the client we briefed you about.
Oh, yes, Mr Brewster. It's very nice to meet you.
It doesn't rain, it pours.
I beg your pardon?
The 30 million is deposited in a bank across the street.
I imagine you'd like to make sure it's real, possibly make a withdrawal.
Yeah, I'd like to make sure it's real.
Step this way, please.
Hey, good luck.
The clip baseball game from Brewster's Millions (1985)
We got one to go! One out to go!
He just saved your ass, Brewster.
Come on, Rudy.
Aw, foul ball!
Aw, you almost had that. I bet you feel like a big piece of shit.
Talk all you want, Porky.
Here we go, Monty. Ready to push. Throw it in to Porky!
It's OK, Rudy.
You want him to pitch underhand?
I'm lettin' my bat do my talkin'.
Oh, the bat's got the brains?
I just wanted to figure it out.
I wanna know who's got the brains in the family.
The clip baseball game Part 2 from Brewster's Millions (1985) with John Candy
It's all right. Take it easy, don't lose your concentration.
A goddamn train's comin' through the outfield!
There's a guy up there in the bleachers, front row.
He's got a camera. He's been takin' pictures of me for the last three games.
I think he's a scout for the big leagues.
Monty, this is Hackensack, New Jersey.
No scout comes here, you understand?
A train's goin' through the outfield, but you strike this guy out,...
..l'll take you with me tonight and get you drunk.
Two out. Two! Two!
Two out. He makes it three.
Look at him. He's a little rag arm!
Dial up on him, baby. Knock it a long distance for me.
Hey, old man. Getting a little tired, huh?
Get back to T-ball, buddy.
Strike three. You're out!
Big win. Yeah! All right!
The clip financial advise from Brewster's Millions (1985)
The big story on Wall Street is that lcebergs lnternational...
..has been bought out by Wometco Petroleum...
..in order to secure tax benefits within the common mark.et. This will enable...
Is he a genius, or is he a genius?
Can't understand it, Mr Brewster?
The stock., which was valued at 1/, now has a par value of over $9 a share.
I wanna sell my stock in the lceberg.
Sell? Oh, no. That doesn't seem like a very smart thing...
The parent company, Wometco, is one of the strongest in the petroleum market.
They've been good performers in profits and dividends.
Don't sell. You've got obligations. A huge payroll, overhead, retirement plans.
You don't wanna lay anyone off, do ya?
No, I don't.
Count it. It's all here. Nothing but long shots, huh?
You just won yourself a cool million five, wise guy.
The word is out on you. I had to lay these bets off all over town.
You don't make another bet in this city again, ever!
Loyola 18, Notre Dame, zilch. Thanks a lot, baby.
This is unreported income gained from an illegal venture.
I recommend that you dispatch a courier to Switzerland...
..and deposit this money in a secret account.
I don't want it. I'll give it to charity.
What's your favourite charity?
There are many worthwhile charities.
Many worthwhile charities!
Divide it up amongst the many charities and give it to them.
And go back to work, because this is a business,...
..and we're doing business and nobody's business.
Do it. Business. Good. I want business done.