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The clip Daisy's Visit from Funny People (2009) with Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill
You know, so, like, I have this joke about how, like, you never see, like,
a very attractive, blonde, big-breasted homeless woman.
You know, like, someone will take care of that person no matter what.
That woman's gonna be fine. All right, so here's the joke.
You can be attractive and stupid and make it in the world.
And you could be unattractive and smart
and make it in the world.
But it's the ugly, dumb people who are really screwed
'cause they're ignorant and an eyesore.
That's funny, man.
That's pretty funny. I think that'll work.
I was thinking of doing this thing where, like,
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know.
Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world,
but I don't.
Yeah, it doesn't work.
I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the lmprov.
He okayed me and made me a regular.
Budd won't even look me in the eye.
Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations.
You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man.
There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man.
I know. It's lame, right?
No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.
Oh, hey, Mark. Can you do me a favor and never leave a paycheck
from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please?
That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck
for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
It's a dick move.
It's just, they keep coming,
you know, week after week.
It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all.
You know what? Becoming marginally famous
has really turned you into an asshole.
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company.
You know that girl comedian who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
Daisy, yeah. Daisy, right.
Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting in our living room right now.
She's out there right now?
She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like...
She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in.
Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her.
Why would you do that?
What do you mean, why would I do that?
I'm trying to hook you up.
Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this.
I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan.
No, I need 80 more days than that!
Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you.
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise.
The clip Daisy's Visit Part 2 from Funny People (2009) with Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her.
Well, then just don't fuck her!
Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out.
He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before.
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there.
No. T.I. T.I.
Lil Weezy. It's all about Common.
But do you guys know
who the greatest rapper of all time is?
I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it.
It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean...
I can't believe you haven't seen this before.
Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.
Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something?
No. It's on NBC.
Ira, this is Daisy.
How are you? How's it going?
Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't...
I've actually seen you do comedy at the lmprov a couple times.
Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny.
You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds.
Yes, I did. All from my cock.
So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter.
Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now?
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
You need some help with that, Ira?
No! No, it's...
It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
I'm joking. I'll get a rag.
See you in nine days, Ira!
I went to a place recently
The clip Celebration from Funny People (2009) with Adam Sandler, Ray Romano
Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man.
Thank you. You got cured of AIDS.
I didn't have AIDS.
Hey, let me get you a cocktail.
Hey, not an AIDS cocktail. A regular.
No, I don't want a drink. I'm good.
I'm gonna get one of them ribbons.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man.
You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die!
Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man?
I wanna know the secret.
I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex,
so if you could go along with that.
Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't
because you don't want...
The mystery is definitely more flattering...
...and the reality is so, like, flobbety.
Like not the word, but... Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich.
Like a... There's, like, meat coming.
That would have been... I could get...
Look at that!
Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus...
How did he... Like, how did he know he had it?
He was saying... He said that he was, like, dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor,
and then he just got... It was in his blood work.
That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired.
Anybody... Anybody gets sick, I think I'm going to get it.
Now, is it contagious? It's not contagious?
Can you get it, like...
I hope not. I don't think so. I've been around him a lot. I feel...
I feel... I hope not, too, because
when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip, so...
Yeah. Not that you got it,
but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, next thing you know
I'm dead and my wife's fucking George Lopez.
But I think the best thing for you would be, you know...
The best cure, besides the real cure,
is to get back to work and do what you do.
There are stacks of offers on my desk for you.
I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you.
Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this?
Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you.
I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while.
I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off,
try to get myself in a relationship with, like,
The clip Celebration Part 2 from Funny People (2009) with Adam Sandler
another human being, a normal one.
Just see if I can handle that.
Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone.
Brought... Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like.
I think you'd really hit it off with her.
She's... She's great. She's something new for you.
A real person. She's not a waitress.
She's not an actress.
All right, thanks.
You know, the Internet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works.
I've actually been on a couple of JDates.
No way. What's that?
Yeah... What's a JDate?
What, is that an Internet thing I should know about?
I'm not... I don't do that shit.
It's a website where Jewish people can find each other.
Really? A whole list of Jewish people?
I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists.
Because of the Holocaust.
How's this going, by the way?
It's been great to meet you.
You know what? I think you fucked up.
The clip Not Sick Anymore from Funny People (2009) with Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler
Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message.
Ira, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy.
I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's.
He said I'm not sick anymore.
I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet.
George! Is it true?
It's all right. All right, go ahead.
Oh, God! Yeah!
All right, baby.
All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do?
The clip Doctor's Good News from Funny People (2009) with Adam Sandler, Torsten Voges
Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito.
Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me.
Yeah. You're a giant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to get your hopes up.
We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism.
About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results.
You actually belong to these 8%.
I looked through your blood work,
and I couldn't find any traces of the disease.
I don't want to speak too soon,
but we may have beaten this thing.
Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you?
So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond.
So, this is, this is... This is good news.
Like my accent now?
Now I like your accent, yeah.
I was excited all morning to tell you this news.
So, what happens now? What do I... What do I do now?
Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about.
Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work.
I was getting used to being sick.
I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that.
Get back to your life.
The clip George Meets The Ex from Funny People (2009) with Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen
That's the girl I was gonna marry...
...but then she smartened up.
So, she's 10 and she's six.
Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh?
What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him?
That's all Laura.
They fight a lot, but they're cute.
Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here.
I wanted to come. I wanted to see you.
You didn't have to come here.
You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you.
I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about everything I did.
You don't have to be sorry. That was 12 years ago.
Everything worked out for the best.
It's good. Look at your life. This is great.
Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all.
I haven't been... You don't hate it.
I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it.
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira. I'm calling to say
I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George.
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like.
Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.
You have a family now. You have a family now.
I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on.
You got a good life.
And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that.
I hate that it could have been me with you.
Don't do that, please?
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
You... I could have had those kids with you.
How could you cheat on me? I was so hot.
You were. You were so hot. I don't know.
I was hot!
I don't even know what the fuck I was doing.
I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else.
The clip George Meets The Ex Part 2 from Funny People (2009) with Leslie Mann, Adam Sandler
What was wrong with you? I don't remember anybody else.
I only remember you. I don't know.
I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us.
They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen.
The only thing that happened was us.
And you ran away 'cause you had to.
I had to go.
At the time, I just couldn't do it anymore.
Yeah. But you know what I realized?
I love my husband,
but it's just not the same.
And I loved you so much and...
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I have the same thing. I have the same thing.
Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad.
I love you. I love you. I always loved you.
And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too.
He's like an Australian you.
I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy?
It's just that you were the one.
Just you are... Were... Are the love...
Love of my life. And I just love you.
Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?
You're not sick, are you?
You're just doing that to get me down here, huh?
There are those hands again.
My big hands.
Always made my penis look small.
Thank you, hands, for that complex.
The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing.
The clip Catching Up from Funny People (2009) with Adam Sandler
That was worth it.
We're into overtime now, just so you know.
Jeez, that came quick.
I wish that you guys were really my friends
and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me.
All right, so let's keep going then.
All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I...
The roses look terrific.
Thank you. They sure look beautiful.
Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love It's real
Yes, it's real love
You doing stand-up at all?
This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years.
But I will sometimes, in my house,
in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes.
Not good stuff. It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know.
But, you know, all kidding aside,
I know you're in a terrible situation,
but even with that, you look so much better than him.
The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands
I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams
We watched your last movie on video.
A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue.
You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny.
I'll tell you who was a great comedian.
The clip Catching Up Part 2 from Funny People (2009) with Adam Sandler
Please say me. Who?
Yeah, of course.
You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney.
Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad.
All right. Thank you, Pop. I know.
It's real love, oh, yeah
It's real love, yeah
It's real love It's real
I think I played it all wrong, Ira.
I played it all wrong.