The clip Hitch hiking from The Jerk (1979)
I sure do miss Navin.
Is he ever coming back?
Take away his place setting. It's making us too goddamn sad.
I wonder if he's doing all right?
Navin!. How you doing?
Don't worry about me. I think l see a car coming.
No, wait. It's a truck!.
...take care of our little boy.
-I'm hitchhiking. -How far you going?
St. Louis. How far are you going?
To the end of this fence.
I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?
-Here we are. -Okay.
Thanks for the company.
I hope l can repay you someday.
The clip Navin and Pattie from The Jerk (1979) with Steve Martin
"My dear family, guess what?
"Today l found out what my special purpose is for.
"Gosh, what a great time l had.
"l wish the whole family could have been here with me.
"Maybe some other time...
"...as l intend to do this a lot...
"...every chance l get.
"l think next week l'll be able to send more money...
"...as l may have extra work.
"My friend Patti promised me a blow job.
"Your loving son, Navin."
And he's got the kisses here.
-That Patti must be a sweet girl. -God bless her.
Do you think we'll get to know each other well enough to kiss?
We don't have to. You're my man.
It's like we're married. Look at my ass.
You have my last name tattooed right there under the J's.
First l get my name in the phone book, and now l'm on your ass.
You know, l'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
The clip Train abduction from The Jerk (1979)
End of the line.
This is Engineer Fred. Come back and visit me again.
Have you seen a 5-year-old boy, blond hair, wearing a T-shirt that says "bullshit" on it?
No, there was just one kid had a T-shirt that said "life sucks" on it.
We got off the Round-Up, and he said he wanted to go on the train.
There he is!. Billy!.
-Come back here!. -Get off the train.
Pull that lever!. Pull the lever!.
Here, hold that!. And these!.
Take my keys. And hold my wallet. Okay.
Don't touch the Johnson bar, you'll explode the fuel casing!.
And if the Wolfe and Smith indicator gets above 160...
-...turn that off there. -I can't take you here anymore.
There's a screwdriver. Put it in, turn it one quarter.
Listen, we're going into a tunnel.
Don't stand up. The clearance is only 4 foot--
-No. -I'm okay.
I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap.
Thanks for pulling my cap down.
The clip Navin asks out Marie from The Jerk (1979)
You scared me half to death. Thank you so much.
It would've been so embarrassing to go home without Billy.
Here's your gloves and your oil can and your wallet.
And this fell out.
Listen, what you did just now was very brave.
Is there some way l could repay you?
I could never accept anything from you for saving your child.
He's not my child. I'm just baby-sitting for a friend.
-Would it be too much if l asked for a kiss? -No.
He's a real little dickens.
I was just standing here right now, and l was...
...wondering, if you weren't doing anything tomorrow...
...maybe you might want to go out with....
I thought maybe you might want to go out with me.
Are you trying to ask me for a date?
Once for no, twice for yes.
You're so cute.
How about 3:30 tomorrow at the Round-Up?
The clip Navin asks out Marie Part 2 from The Jerk (1979)
Do you have any boyfriends?
Are they crazy? lf l was a fella, l'd be around all the time.
Well, see if you can work it out.
We have a date tomorrow.
What's your name?
I'll tell you tomorrow. It'll give us something interesting to talk about.
The clip Pattie warns Navin from The Jerk (1979)
What's up, hubby?
I got these for you.
Navin, you know the other day when l showed you the tattoo?
Well, l forgot to tell you something.
-Really? What? -This.
That's what's going to happen to you if l ever catch you looking at another broad.
I'm glad you told me.
And remember, l did this without anger.
And l stayed away from your crotch.
-Hi!. -What happened?
It was unbelievable. These guys jumped me.
They tried to get these flowers. I got 'em for you.
It's kind of a traditional date deal.
Yeah, l've heard of that. What were they?
Couple of dozen roses.
Look like daisy stems.
What? That guy gypped me.
Put daisy stems on my roses.
Look, these hoodlums are dangerous.
I think we ought to get out of here before she sees us.
-You said "she." -No!.
I always call a gang "she."
It's like when you call a boat "she" or a hurricane "she."
Or a girl?
You can call a girl "she." That's just one of the many things you can call "she."
The clip Navin's birthday from The Jerk (1979) with Mabel King
Boy, l hope everybody's good and hungry.
-I know l am. -And l'm ready for that.
Here's corn bread.
Collard greens. And l cooked up those hog maws you like.
Mother, dear, ain't we forgetting something?
No, l'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.
It's Navin's birthday!.
And l cooked you up your favorite meal.
Tuna fish salad on white bread with mayonnaise...
...a Tab and a couple of Twinkies.
-Here, darling. -Mom, thanks.
You're gonna like that shit, man.
I got you a present.
-Gee, Elvira. -I made it myself.
We got you something, too. A half bottle of lilac vegetal. It's from both of us.
I drew you this picture.
-Here. -Thank you.
I want you to have my Zippo.
Dad, you had this since the war.
God bless us...
Will you pass me the potatoes and the collard greens?
-Navin, darling. -I'm sorry l spoiled the party, Mom.
You didn't spoil the party.
I brought you a Twinkie.
I'm not hungry right now.
Feeling different again?
It's like l don't fit in. It's like l don't belong here.
It's your birthday, and it's time you knew.
You're not our natural-born child.
The clip Navin's birthday Part 2 from The Jerk (1979) with Mabel King
You were left on our doorstep...
...but we raised you like you were one of us.
You mean l'm going to stay this color?
I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass. Come here.
Navin, l wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it.
You want to come in and sing some blues?
No, thanks, Taj.
There's something about those songs.
They depress me.
Come here, darling.
That's it, darling.
You're getting the rhythm. See?
The clip The stolen credit card from The Jerk (1979)
I can fix those shocks.
No. We just want some gas, muchacho.
Okay. But it's Sunday. We've got to have a credit card.
And all the cash is locked up?
No, not locked up. We got a lot of cash. Just that the banks are closed...
...and l'm not allowed to have cash coming in or out.
I'm alone for the first time. I don't want anything to happen.
You flash this kind of wad in front of some people, they'll kill you for it.
So, we've got to have a credit card.
Have we got a credit card in there?
No, thanks. I don't smoke.
-What kind of cigarette is that? -Joint.
They don't make 'em very good.
-MasterCharge do? -That's fine. We take MasterCharge.
You want a fill-up, Mrs. Nussbaum?
I'm Mr. Nussbaum.
Yeah, that's his wife's card.
-His wife's card? -Yeah, l'll vouch for him.
Okay, as long as we got a voucher.
I got it!. Just send a police car over.
Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card!. I got the guys who stole it.
Hold on, they're calling me!. I'll be right back!.
The clip The stolen credit card Part 2 from The Jerk (1979)
-Yes? -Yeah, throw a couple of tires in the trunk.
Put it on the card. Radials.
-Make them whitewalls. -Yes, sir, Mr. Nussbaum.
I'm back, only it's worse than l thought.
They're not only sticking us for gas, but grabbing tires and everything.
They're really socking it to us.
Yeah, it's Hartounian's Gas Station at the corner--
Hang on a second. I don't want to get 'em suspicious.
Don't worry, l can keep 'em here. I saw this trick in a movie.
-Got your tires!. -Yeah, good.
-Anything else? -Yeah.
We'll take that money you got in your pocket.
Sure. I'll just put it on the card.
The clip The stolen credit card Part 3 from The Jerk (1979)
Guess what!. You're our eighth customer today!.
You won a free oven mitt!.
I'll go get it for you.
Yeah, l'm back.
Yeah, they're gonna be here for a while. Don't worry. I've rigged it.
You guys want to stick around for an oven mitt?
Hang on just a second.
They might not be here exactly when you get back but...
...it's a blue Chevy two-door.
And it'd be going south on Hertado Street.
No, l can't make out the license number, but...
...it'd be pulling a small church.
Any blue Chevy pulling a small church l figure that'd be the one, yeah.
The clip Shooting cans from The Jerk (1979) with Steve Martin, Jackie Mason
Believe me, l'm not mad at you.
What's the matter with you? What did l lose, a couple of tires?
Look at the bright side. We also lost a church.
Oh, my God!.
The new phone book's here!.
I wish l could get that excited about nothing.
Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73!.
"Johnson, Navin R."
I'm somebody now!. Millions of people look at this book every day!.
This is the kind of spontaneous publicity...
...your name in print, that makes people!.
I'm in print!.
Things are going to start happening to me now.
"Johnson, Navin R."
Sounds like a typical bastard.
Die, Navin R. Johnson.
Random son of a bitch, typical run-of-the-mill bastard.
-Fill 'er up? -Fill 'er up and a little bit extra.
-Stan Fox, buying gas. -Navin R. Johnson selling it, sir!.
Gotcha, you average...
...typical blocking-the-view- of-a-goddamn-average-victim bastard!.
-Check your oil? -Check away, Navin R. Johnson.
Oil rag at the ready, sir!.
-Let's check the oil together. -Yes, sir.
Looks good to me, sir, but l'd like your opinion.
Damn these glasses.
It looks good to me, too. Hurry up. Time's a wasting.
I'm going to the john. Don't forget to check those tires. Damn these glasses.
The clip Shooting cans Part 2 from The Jerk (1979) with Steve Martin, Bill Macy
Yes, sir!. I damn thee!.
Damn these glasses!.
-I can fix those glasses. -You can?
Well, here, fix those suckers!.
Guess what? l fixed 'em.
I was back there thinking...
..."What causes glasses to slip on and off?. "
And it's because when you take them on and off...
...you're putting pressure on the frames.
It causes them to spread.
So l put a little handle right here in the center...
...that puts the pressure on the bridge.
Just like the tie rods on a '72 Buick.
Plus, l put a little nose brake on here to prevent slippage. Try it.
Use the handle.
Well, l'll be.
I make a pretty good living selling shit like this. I'll tell you what.
The clip Shooting cans Part 3 from The Jerk (1979) with Steve Martin
If l can develop this gizmo, l'll split it with you fifty-fifty.
How much for the gas? l got a load of shit to sell.
-$26.41 . -Here's a triple dix. Keep the change.
Dead center!. Say your prayers, half-breed!.
Harry!. Look at this!.
What's the matter with these cans?
These cans are defective. They're springing leaks.
Come and look at this.
You better run for cover or you'll spring a leak.
We don't have defective cans. We have a defective person!.
He hates these cans.
Stay away from the cans!.
Die, gas pumper!.
I've got to get away from those cans!.
There's cans in there, too!.
Die, you bastard!.
He doesn't want to put holes in cans. He wants to put holes in you.
Oh, my God!. I'm endangering your life!.
-Cover me!. -You're covered.
The clip Getting the rhythm from The Jerk (1979)
And that concludes this Sunday night Gospel Hour...
...live from the Four Square Gospel Church...
...at the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri.
The Reverend Willard Willman, Pastor.
And now, music throughout the night.
Music in a mellow mood.
-Grandma!. -What happened?
-Look!. -What happened?
Don't touch that radio!. Don't touch it!.
Turn it up!. Turn it up!.
I've never heard music like this before!.
It speaks to me!. Taj!. Dad!.
The clip Getting the rhythm Part 2 from The Jerk (1979)
This is unbelievable. Now watch.
Well, if this is out there, think how much more is out there!.
This is the kind of music that tells me to go out there and be somebody!.
-But Navin-- -Let him go.