"Stop and Smell the Roses" The "Is It True?" Series Episode F...

Welcome to Honor Your Truth

The “Is it True?” Series Episode Forty-Two

“Remember to Stop and Smell the Roses”

It was my birthday a few days ago. Nearly half my life is over, unless I live beyond 100…and I might. I’m not really struggling with the whole age thing as much as I was when I turned 46. When I turned 46, I became closer to 50 than 40…which was very weird. It shocked me……50, the big 5-0! How did I get here? How did this happen? I forgot to have children, where is my husband, and what have I done with my life? These and more are the questions I began asking myself at 46. I didn’t plan out exactly what I was going to do with my life but I felt it was a given that I would have a family one day. I never really decided not to, I just never got around to it. Oops. It wasn’t until my 40’s that I actually began to view my life as a whole….. with a beginning and an end.

My 20’s and 30’s were bits and pieces of many diverse experiences that made up the sum total of those years…like the “multi-colored hair” era, the “backstage” era, the “singing telegram” era, the “bike racer” era, the “Process Studio” era (my personal favorite) to name a few, and there were many. All that I have done and all that has happened has turned out to be a necessary part in my evolution. I was where I needed to be, when I needed to be there. The past continues to make more sense than it ever did at the time. I continue to move along, filling in the pieces and they fit. I realized that I did have choices and began to free my life of all things I had put in the way of those choices. I began to take responsibility for fulfilling my destiny, rather than sitting in my room, waiting for it to show up. At 46 I asked myself, “When my time here is over, what is the one thing, having done it, would bring me the most peace?”. The answer turned my life around. I didn’t want to die with the music still in me.

When it first occurred to me that we all would die, I completely panicked. Am I the only one who freaked out and couldn’t breathe? It seems that every time I bring up the fear I have of dying, no one has quite the same reaction to it, the same terror. I was nearly hyperventilating. I screamed for my mom from “the banner”. “The banner” is a place where, although it was never planned, a whole bunch of pivotal events took place….anything significant often seemed to happen at, over, through and or around “the banner”. This was the railing that went along side the opening for the staircase. It spanned the entire hallway from my room to my brothers. We also threw our laundry over it and grabbed onto it as we flew down the stairs, yet major dramatic episodes also transpired through the spindles. “The banner” eventually collapsed under their pressure one day.

That particular night, the night of my revelation immortal, I called down to my mom. I was gripping onto the spindles. My head was poking through them as I talked to her. She assured me that “only the good die young” and so I needn’t worry. Being that I was in catholic school, I concluded that my options were, 1) die young or 2) go to hell. Consequently, this was not helpful to me. Every now and then it hits me again, out of the blue, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of impending doom. What’s going to happen to me? Will I be nothing?

There is an “I” that lives beyond “me”…..the God within that always was and always will be….alive. I am halfway between needing to prove this and trusting that which I already know to be true……my spirit will not die…my soul will not die. However, I do have this one life now, here, as I am. Why have I lived it so unconsciously….so fast….in such a hurry to get somewhere. I’m finally beginning to do what I love again, yet I am not entirely present. I catch myself. I’m worried. I’m tense. I’m in the future and I don’t know why. Why am I so anxious when just a couple of years ago I wasn’t doing any of this? I was stuck. I was a shadow of myself

1. By: honoryourtruth
2. Categories People & Stories
3. Views 78
4. Added :03-May-09
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