"Where There's a Will There's a Way" Episode Sixty-Nine

Welcome to Honor Your Truth

The “Is It True?” Series Episode Sixty-Nine

“Where there is a will, there is a way”

I was lying on my kitchen floor. When things are really bad for me, you can find me there, on my kitchen floor, and that’s where I was. It’s usually due to some kind of major loss and this time it was my little friend, the cigarette. God I loved smoking, but I’m not going to think about it. I love rituals in general, but smoking, that was one of my favorites. I’m a writer, writers smoke and drink don’t they? I have told myself all sorts of lies over the years in order to make sense out of something that makes no real sense at all. The rationalizations I come up are often goofier than what it is that I am rationalizing. I can find a way to justify just about anything I want to do until I do something like look at the facts and scare the shit out of myself, but even then, I can find a way to drown them out too. I have incredible staying power and if I put my mind to something, I am going to keep at it. I need only choose what I focus upon well. Using my stamina for exercise is a much healthier and more productive option with similar results…..stimulating my cells, uplifting my spirit, and calming my anxiety. I repeat after myself, “I am a water guzzling, non-smoking millionaire”.

However, I was hysterical and talking on the phone to a friend of mine. These days you can talk on the phone from where ever you are thank god. I have definitely found myself on the kitchen floor alone over the years. Everything in my life seemed wrong and he couldn’t convince me otherwise. No matter how many times he reminded me I was quitting smoking and this was a delirium that would pass, I could imagine no freedom. I believed I was destined to a life of misery. More than likely worn down by my unending diatribe, he suggested (and I don’t blame him for this) that I try the nicotine gum. That was over 10 years ago. It put an end to my suffering. I had no idea the prison that little gum would become. It is much the same as cigarettes. Have coffee, chew gum, eat, chew gum, talk on the phone, chew gum, drive in your car, chew gum, ad infinitum. The difference being with the recent restrictions on smoking, you can chew gum anywhere….on a plane, in a restaurant, at a movie, and even while working….anywhere, anytime. I have fallen asleep with it. Every picture taken of me in the last decade has captured me with a piece of gum in my mouth. I left a trail of wrappers wherever I went like crumbs of a cracker. When I did laundry, I would find them in the washer or dryer. If you put them in the frig, they are good as new. My only concern was did I have enough gum, and if I didn’t, how would I get it? It’s a drug.

I tried everything to get off that silly little gum which included flying from MN to LA for a special laser therapy. I romanticized that option and fashioned like a spiritual quest for freedom or some spa treatment. I lasted about 24 hours. I quit cold turkey another time and lasted 3 days. I felt like God wanted me to wait because while innocently walking down the street, I saw it….the small silver square. I could have easily missed it, but I didn’t. It appeared to be left there just for me, my little devil friend. I said to myself, “Don’t look at it, don’t touch it”. I felt like a kid standing at the stove. I am a kid who has to touch it, who feels compelled to do so, despite all warnings. I must see for myself. I’m curious and I don’t trust people or maybe I just think I know everything. I thought I’ll just check and see if it really is a piece of gum or just the wrapper. It seemed harmless enough. My head said, “Don’t do it, don’t look at it” I could have kept on walking but I picked it up and there it was, a slice of hell dressed up like heaven. I was jones-ing bad for nicotine. With somewhat of a struggle, not because I was attempting to stop myself, but because of a plot derived by the gum people, I got the gum out of the wrapper. It’s not easy. The trick is...