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Parenting: Things You May Not Know About Older Children - as part of the expert series by GeoBeats.
Parents sometimes forget to grow with their children. They have a tendency to treat the child the way they treated the child two weeks ago, when actually, the child has moved forward developmentally. So, my first thing to say is be alert to the changes your child is undergoing and address your child as the new person who he or she is today, because they change really fast.
Children have minds of their own is number two. They need very much to be trusted for their own thoughts. So, more than issuing commands to your children, or directives to your children, ask them questions about what needs to happen next, or how. How is a really good question to ask your older child. “How should we handle this situation?” “How does that work with the fact that we have to go to grandma’s tomorrow,” when they have just asked to sleep overnight at a friend’s house, for instance. “How? How? How?” is a really good way to keep your child thinking. What you want to do is raise a thinking child, rather than one who takes orders. So ask a lot of questions, let your child grow up in a home where questions are asked and children’s advice is heeded.
What a child is doing today does not predict his or her entire future. Many parents think of the slippery slope. “If I let her get away with it today, then she is growing to be blah, blah, blah.” You know? And that is something that I think is actually harmful to parenting because I think we can realize that kids change an awful lot. And if they go through a rough patch, oftentimes there is really not a lot you have to do except support her while she is having an issue with something. Keep asking her questions. Keep finding out what is inside herinner world, and do not judge, do not blame, do not punish because that is a way to keep the bridge built to your child. And that is what you really want, to open lines of communication constantly there.
Landing full force on a child for an infraction is the best way to see it again. So, if you see an infraction occurring, and the usual, knee-jerk reaction of parents is to say, “Stop that! You cannot do that! This is not the way we act. Go to your room. This is it. I cannot take this kind of behavior. You must listen to me.” And that is the best way to be sure that you see that behavior again, because what you are doing is giving an energy match to that child.
And, interestingly enough, energy matches. If the kid has a high level of intensity inside his or her brain, that brain is looking for an energy match in the world. And usually we give those energy matches when things are not going so well, but we forget to realize that the match is highly rewarding of the behavior that just preceded it. So, what you want to do is give no or low energy when things go poorly, and lots of energy, in the form of heartfelt appreciation, when things go really well. And heartfelt appreciation is, when you, I feel because. “When you just spoke to your brother in a really nice tone of voice, I felt really impressed. I could tell there was a lot of warmth between the two of you, and it shows me what a great sister you can be.”
Landing full force on successes with your heartfelt appreciation is the best way to grow good behavior. We have this thing alive in our world today that says the parents must correct their children’s, you know, transgressions. And really, that is the opposite. Parents must pay attention to what their children do right, because positive reinforcement is much stronger than punishment in changing someone’s way of acting in the world. So, you really want to stay focused on your children’s successes.