Read the lyrics below if the sound is too shitty. This is me performing jokes at the Ft. Lauderdale Improv.
"(indecipherable, girly voice) You know, nowadays, everybody's calling themselves "Li'l Something". We've got Li'l Wayne, Li'l Scrappy, Li'l Kim... Li'l Flip, Li'l Jon... Li'l Romeo, Li'l Keke--it's getting ridiculous! It's gonna get the point to where we run out of names and some poor guy gets stuck with "Lit'l Dick"...singing about how hard he balls.
I work in customer service and, uh, one time this blind guy called. I know he was blind cuz he wouldn't shut up about it, and he was such an asshole. So I decided to fuck with him, right? And so I started to say--and this is 100% true, I lie to you not--I started to say, "Sir, sir! Can't you see why that's your balance? I'm sure you can see! There's no reason why you couldn't see... why that's your balance..."
I don't even know how he called me; I figure blind people must really love Bluetooth. Deaf people, though, the tragedy of their life is they could never enjoy bubble wrap.
And I hate when people say, "The proof is in the pudding... Don't eat that pudding... It's evidence." I hate when people say that.
What's this replacing history with herstory? Feminism is ruining the Ingles language, that's bullshit. Who says, "You need to read the womanual"? Well, I guess if you need to learn how to be a bitch. Am I right? (I try to high-five a woman o.s. but miss) Looks like somebody's been reading her womanual! And my high-five is off target...
I wonder if they have guys guarding the plastic silverware company... with giant sporks. You know? Like, what are they gonna do though if I show up with a giant, baked potato, you know? "Wassup, motherfuckers?"
"What? I got a giant baked potato. What are you gonna do, break your spork off on it? Your spear sporks?"
"They're called spearks!"
"Whatever! Take back your stupid 'box o' plastic nutcrackers'. Those shits suck."
Hmm... I wonder who the best rapist in the world is.
See, I wonder weird shit like that, yeah, thank you. I'm-I'm glad I'm not alone. I wonder if pillows could talk, what would they sound like, you know? Would they just sound like they're just whispering, you know? Cuz they're so soft, I can't imagine my pillow yelling at me, you know? "Quit cummin in my face!" I don't like to give my pillows liquor anymore cuz they end up going around starting pillow fights. I can't keep those bastards under control.
I was at the ss-- I saw a sign at the stoplight the other day, it said "FOUND GOLDFISH"... and I thought, If you put acne crème on prison walls, could it prevent future breakouts?
Do you guys like stereotypical impressions in stand up routines? Yeah? Alright! This is an impression of an impression doing me: "Hey, Mike, what's... what's it like to be you? What's-what's that all about?" Thank you.
How can someone learn what their learning disability is?
I was at work on break the other day, I saw these guys talking by the water cooler. These 3 guys talking about vozkovs and such. But this fourth guy comes up behind the tall guy who's talking to them and starts tapping him on the shoulder, "Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian." The tall completely ignored him: "...and I think the 3rd quarter is looking real strong."
"Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian. Hey, Brian—"
"Shut the fuck up!" said the tall guy. And he walked away, pissed. The fourth guy looked down at his feet as he dragged them and walked the other way.
But there's 2 guys left, and the Guy #1 says, "Who was that guy talking to us?" The other guy thinks, he says, "I think his name was Marshall?"
I'm Mike Tallon, you've been watching ABC News.