Thus begins the adventures and misadventures of the young Anthony Broy as he scrapes, fights, loves, and screws his way through adulthood, from an adolescence spent under the thumb of his violent stepfather among the Ukrainian communities of Long Island and Brooklyn to his reinventions of himself as Orthodox priest, sailor, small-time Indiana farmer, pizza shop owner, and eventual Wall Street mogul. Diagnosed after a bad acid trip with "compulsive personality disorder" by Navy doctors in "Nuts" and later in life, succumbing to another breakdown after his wife's death in "Silver Hills," Broy's portrayals are brutally candid, touching, often hilarious and always outrageous. Like Charles Bukowski's Tales of Ordinary Madness, Broy's voice is that of an older man eager to tell all about sex, revenge, and quiet murders taking place from rural turkey farms to the soap factories of Depression-era Jersey City. Throughout these interconnected tales, he emphatically claims to confess "no bullshit," leaving the delighted reader to wonder how much is fact, and how much fiction? Who's the real Anthony Broy?
NUT HOUSE 1970
HEY NOW, WHAT NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?
I HEAR THE YELLING
AND I HEAR THE SCREAMING
THERE'S NO TELLING
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING DOWN OUT THERE
MY FRIENDS AND ME SITTING AND STARING
TAKEN TO SLEEPING IN THE MORNING
BUT WHAT THE HELL'S GOING DOWN OUT THERE?!
NO ONE TRUSTS ME TO SHAVE MY FACE
MIGHT CUT TOO DEEP AND LEAVE THIS PLACE
A FUNNY MAN, NEXT RACK RIGHT
THINKS HE'S CRAZY BUT HE'S JUST UPTIGHT
NATURALLY HE THINKS THE SAME ABOUT ME
I'M HERE TOO AND MUST BE CRAZY
ANYHOW IT'S JUST MY OPINION
BUT IT SURE SEEMS WEIRD
WHAT'S GOING DOWN OUT THERE
GET MY SHOWER ONCE A WEEK
PASS THE DAYS QUIET MAN MEEK
STARTED THIS BOOK THE BIBLE YOU SEE
ANYTHING TO GET ME FREE
HEY NOW, WHAT NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!
I HEAR THE YELLING AND I HEAR THE SCREAMING
THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THE HELL'S GOING DOWN OUT THERE
SAMUEL BECKETT - CAN YOU DIG IT? USED TO BE IN CHARGE OVER HERE!
CAUGHT PANTS DOWN THE DOC WAS FOUND NOT TO BE ALL THERE!
NOW HE'S JUST LODGED OVER HERE
WILFRED BLACK LAID ON HIS BACK COUNTING THE CRACKS IN THE CEILING
SPEAK SOFTLY TO HIM AND PRAY FOR HIM, HIS WOUNDS FROM THE WAR ARE
WHAT ABOUT ME, LOCKED WITH A KEY
BEHIND THESE DOORS OF IRON
NOT SO BAD, NOT SO SAD
JUST A DAY TO DIE ON!
To order the book:
The 2007 version of the WHAT THE HELL IS THAT contest featured a bevy of oddballs, with a disgusting collection of bumps, blisters, boils, and blemishes on their bodies. In-studio doctors examined the subjects, and gave their opinion on what was wrong with the poor bastards.